i can say that i am a risk taker, in terms of doing things and experiencing and exploring wise. but, not emotionally.
i wouldn’t risk my friendship, as much as it hurts, a little. i wouldn’t risk it, i cherish it a little more than i should.
truth is that, i don’t have many friends, and i am perfectly fine with it. many acquaintances, but that is all that they are. they do not know what is going on with my personal life, and i like to keep it that way.
it is not about not trusting people, it is about knowing who are worth keeping. slowly and surely, i know that the track mates, are not really who i can call friends. i’d keep them at arms length.
i hold my friends too close to my heart, and sometimes, i feel that it would be my greatest downfall, for the fact i am comfortable and i would just like being here, because its where most of my emotions are fine, and i am always happy with this bunch, i can finally be myself. and its really comforting.
i always said that i wouldn’t mind dating my friends, and it might actually be better, yes, because we know each other pretty well. but would i want to date just for the sake of losing the friendship forever, i don’t think so. there is too much on the line and too much to lose.
it hurts sometimes, knowing that maybe, just ,maybe if i had said something, things might have gone differently. and it sucks that sometimes they talk about others and you just hope, deep deep down inside, that you might have at least crossed their minds. at least, i do.
the care and concern makes me feel warm, and who doesn’t like that feeling?
its not that i do not receive the warmth and love from my parents, but loves, care and concern from friends you hold so close to, feels different.
truthfully, i know that its not going to happen. i don’t think it will, or it will ever change, because, i guess, i value this friendship a little too much, that my usual risk-taking self would not risk it, to have it all crumble down in just a matter of seconds.